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onephotoreviews: Podcast Powered By Podbean Episode 62- Space...

Wed, 19 Jun 2013 13:09:34 -0700

Podcast Powered By Podbean

Episode 62- Space Basket: Alison Agosti and Lauren McGuire

Return guest Alison Agosti and writer Lauren McGuire join Scott and guest co-host Codi Fischer for a chat about Man of Steel, Behind the Candelabra and Pac Rim. Find out who Scott thinks would be a good Lex Luthor and get a special One Dave Review of Great Gatsby. Also, we say that we think Henry Cavill is one of the background dancers in Magic Mike. I looked it up and he is NOT. Shame on us. I almost called this episode “20 9/11s” but it looked too confusing.

The One Photo Reviews Movie Podcast will be live in New York Saturday June 29 as part of the Del Close Marathon. 7pm at the UCB East theatre with Scott, Dave and special guests. For information please check out this link.

Click the link above to listen or subscribe in iTunes. You can also now find us on StitcherRadio! Please rate and review if you have a moment.

Theme song by Mike Henry. Background music: Space Hole performed by March Fourth Marching Band and Robin Jackson.

The Cosmos, Scott Campbell

Wed, 19 Jun 2013 11:08:32 -0700

The Cosmos, Scott Campbell

Russell Brand is better at the news than the news.

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 14:14:00 -0700

Russell Brand is better at the news than the news.

Hey Los Angeles! My sketch team, New Money has its monthly show...

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 10:15:54 -0700

Hey Los Angeles!

My sketch team, New Money has its monthly show Wednesday night at 8PM. I wrote probably my favorite sketch of all time and it’s looking like it’s going to be a really weird, special show. Please come. You’ll like it.

On UCB’s site, the show reads as “sold out” which only means that they’ve stopped taking reservations. which I really hate because I think it discourages people from walking up and buying a ticket. But if you get there a little early, like 7:30, put your name on the waitlist, grab a drink at one of the three bars around the theater and come back at 8, you will get in, I swear.

superseriousshow: Old pal, T.J. Miller shares a crazy story....

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 12:30:54 -0700

superseriousshow:

Old pal, T.J. Miller shares a crazy story. Check-it out! It’s part of the new Ari Shaffir Comedy Central web series, This Is Not Happening, featuring clips of the live storytelling show.

This is amazing.

Oh You Guys. Oh Man I Did Not Like Man Of Steel.

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 11:29:00 -0700

Please read Tim Neenan’s Superman review. He speaks for the people. Also, it’s his fault I had to sit through this dumb thing.

timneenan:

Guys I have to talk at you for a minute about Superman. Sorry. I don’t even like him that much. It’s long.

Have you ever had to listen to a real idiot try to tell you why he loves a comic book? One of those fans whose stunted vocabulary is made up mostly of “awesome,” who talks about how he likes Spider-Man “for all of the metaphors?” He doesn’t specify the metaphors. Man Of Steel is like having to sit next to this guy for two hours, and I feel lucky, because there’s a whole crew of people who listened to Zack Snyder do this FOR MONTHS.

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If you’ve ever been to Two Headed Beast, which is one of the...

Wed, 12 Jun 2013 10:07:00 -0700

If you’ve ever been to Two Headed Beast, which is one of the best storytelling shows in Los Angeles, you may have heard Jake Weisman tell a story about eating a pot brownie before a flight. It’s perfect. The last time I saw him tell it, he had to take long breaks in between the audience’s uncontrollable fits of laughter.

For some reason last night, I just had a craving for it. I was writing with Lauren McGuire and I wouldn’t shut up about that story. “I’m going to ruin it if I try to tell it.” I muttered. So I texted Jake. At midnight. And asked if he would tell it because I am a boundaryless person AND HE SAID YES (because he is too).

And then Lauren and I sat there in my kitchen and laughed like loons while one of the funniest comedians in the city told us a story. It made me very grateful for my weird life.

Good Bad Movie: Now You See Me

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 13:42:00 -0700

It’s very rare that you see a film so terrible that you enjoy it. When I went to see “Now You See Me” at a the small Highland Park Theater here in Los Angeles, I didn’t realize that I might be viewing greatness on the level of Troll II. I came up with a five point system to see if this Jesse Eisenberg Facebook magician movie stands a chance as going down in history as one of the great movie embarrassments or our time or maybe just this year.

ONE - Major Cast Is Slumming It

It makes a bad movie easier to laugh at if you know that this was just a paycheck for everyone involved. No one wants to watch an up-and-coming star who is earnestly trying to deliver lines like, “I’m going to stick to you like white on rice.” which is an actual line from this movie, which came out in 2013.

Our major players are Jesse Eisenberg, James Franco’s Little Brother, Borat’s Wife and Woody Harrelson as magicians. And they’re like, super good at various aspects of magic. Borat’s Wife is an illusionist, Harrelson can hypnotize people, Little Franco is good at stealing people’s wallets which I guess translates to having fast hands and Jesse Eisenberg is good at distracting you with his goatee. Oh and Michael Caine, is in it for presumably a weeks worth of shooting.

On the opposition to the magic guys we have Mark Ruffalo and a French woman that Mark Ruffalo doesn’t trust, presumably because she is French. Morgan Freeman is also there as kind of a magician expert with murky motivation and to do voiceover for the trailer. Oh, and Common is also i this for some reason.

All of them, regardless of which side of the cops and robbers alliance they may belong to- are mailing it in. Which is always a real delight to see.

TWO - The Right Venue

This is the only factor that relies on the viewer. Sometimes you want the whole movie-going experience where you pay eighteen dollars for your ticket and sit in a plush seat assigned for you specifically. But when you’re going to see something that you know will be a big pile of garbage, you need to plan accordingly.

We went to the Highland Park Theater here in Los Angeles, which is an attraction for people who want to see terrible movies at low low prices and teenage couples looking to give their first handjob.

Based on the trailer and the fact that this seemed to be a movie where Jesse Eisenberg was cast as a wiener unintentionally, I thought I was prepared for what I was about to see.

But nothing can get you ready for a sincere Eisenberg goate in 2013. Another benefit of the small Highland Park Theater is that there was no one else in the theater, save a middle aged couple who were sitting distressingly close to the screen. So I felt little to no guilt for pulling out my phone and live tweeting the entire more. In part because I knew it would be impossible for me to ruin the viewing experience any more than the dialog would, and in majority because I am an asshole. I through pretending that I’m not.

THREE - Blatant Thievery

Everything down to the movie’s poster, wants you to think of this as Ocean’s Eleven with magic. The montague’s of their crimes, the music that is played and the scenes in the police station are all weak attempts at mimicking the Clooney-Pitt franchise. “Now You See Me” is a reproduction done in crayon.

FOUR - Senseless Plot

So the four magicians each get these cards that tell them to come to a studio apartment in North Hollywood, where they receive 3D blueprints of what could be literally anything and they all seem really impressed and excited. It should be noted that in this world; the world of goate Jesse Eisenberg, there is no indication as to whether magic is real or an illusion. Like, I can tell it’s bad CGI, but I’m not sure if I’m supposed to believe there is a reasonable explanation caused by tricks and showmanship or if this is a pack of magically beings. Like elves or something. I immediately called “aliens” aloud in the nearly empty theater. The middle-aged man of the couple sitting up close turned around and gave me a hard look. I still chose to believe he was trying to start a dialog.

There are several jokes made at the expense of Borat’s Wife and her weight that could be its own Jezebel article and we are transported a year into the future, where the magician supergroup of Crosby, Stills, Nash AND Young are performing their magic in Las Vegas. They call themselves “The Four Horsemen” for a reason that is never explained, other than there are four of them. They stand on a shiny stage really well. Like truly, some of the best in the biz at standing on an elevated platform in front of an audience. They select someone from the crowd and fitted with a rejected helmet prototype from TRON. “Aliens.” I whispered this time, but with a proud certainty that I had already called the twist. They then smash the man, helmet and all, in a machine that (notebook)

The Hulk and some French woman are paired up to bring the magicians for questioning. However, Jesse Eisenberg flips his handcuffs off because he’s a magician and apparently that means he can get out of any pair of handcuffs and flips them onto Mark Ruffalo. He then says, “The first rule of magic: always be the smartest guy in the room.” which is not a phrase that existed before or after this movie to describe magicians. Enron, yes.

Needless to say, the magicians get away. There is a chase scene where Little Franco flicks cards at Mark Ruffalo and it totally works as a fight move. Then Little Franco fakes his death in a big explosion and is gone for a few scenes but then comes back. I am unsure if I was supposed to think he was actually dead or not.

The cops are still on the case, even though things have started to get sexy between Ruffalo and the French woman for no reason. They seem to have a hard time locating the magicians, even though there is a youtube (relevant) clip telling the entire world where the Four Horseman will be performing their third and final show. There’s a halfhearted chase, then the magicians turn into money and the cops kiss.

The movie ends with The Four Horsemen jumping into a spinning, glowing carousel that looked like a UFO and had me yelling “Aliens!” to my friends in the front.

FIVE - Memorable Quotes

Aside from the “Always be the smartest man in the room,” the film is a wealth accidental non-sequiturs. Repeatedly throughout the film, a character would say a sentence that the audience was expected to take as fact, ignoring the logic and world experience we brought into the theater. “Why did he just say ‘A magician never reveals his secrets?’” I asked, mostly to myself but also to the couple up front. “It would have made just as much sense.” We were often expected to assume something was a joke just because a character laughed. The best example of this being Michael Caine, who show’s up midway through the movie for some reason and says the line, “And I had a fluffy white cat named Snuffles.” And then the four magicians laughed like it was a fully formed joke with a premise and punchline.

“You have what we in the business call, ‘nothing up your sleeves.’” Says Jesse Eisenberg, smugly to Mark Ruffalo and no one calls him on it. No one says that. The expression is “I still have a few tricks up my sleeve.” I highly doubt that magician insider slang is a mangled idiom. The dialog limps on like this, leaving you to wonder not only if any of the five writers know even the base concepts of magic, but whether or not this movie was originally written in English.

Now You See Me is a triumph in bad movie making, terrible storytelling and comatose performances. But in a way that won’t make you angry. I recommend it enough once it comes to Netflix or the dollar bin at your local gas station.

Audio

Sun, 09 Jun 2013 10:45:00 -0700

Wits: Colin Hanks with Jason Isbell

Sat, 08 Jun 2013 10:49:56 -0700

Wits: Colin Hanks with Jason Isbell:

In this week’s episode of Wits, actor Colin Hanks becomes Doug Bagelson, a man offering his services as a professional friend. Also, Jason Isbell plays songs from his latest album “Southeastern” and performs one of the most stunning covers of “Pancho and Lefty” ever. Plus, a resignation letter from a member of the band Lynryd Skynyrd in this week’s Pop Song Correspondences.

Doug Bagelson is what I want to be remembered for.

My sweet, wonderful roommate went on a terrible date a few nights ago where they shared an...

Mon, 03 Jun 2013 23:14:00 -0700

My sweet, wonderful roommate went on a terrible date a few nights ago where they shared an uncomfortable silence-filled hour over one drink.She came home that night and recounted the multiple times he checked his phone or repeated a question. But today? Today he texted her. I gleefully watched as she replied with “Why are you doing this? We didn’t have a good time.” which was so beautiful and perfect because after an epically bad first date, WHY WOULD YOU? and we were both curious.

I sat on the couch and shrieked when he replied. Because we were expecting an amazing response. But we were met with an earnest apology. Just that he was nervous on their date and really liked her. Then we both felt like monsters.

Dating is hard on all parties involved.

publicschoolshow: Public School is on Tuesday, the 11th day of...

Mon, 03 Jun 2013 15:28:27 -0700

publicschoolshow:

Public School is on Tuesday, the 11th day of June!! Look at who will delight your feel spaces: Rachel Bloom * Joey Slamon * Lauren McGuire * Judith Shelton * Will Stegemann * David Avallone * Hosted by Natasha Vargas-Cooper *

RSVP now for immortal bliss.

Come to this! Lauren McGuire is one of my best friends in the world and this show is one of the best in LA! WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM.

I live in Los Angeles, where it can be hard to know when exactly...

Sat, 01 Jun 2013 10:27:00 -0700

I live in Los Angeles, where it can be hard to know when exactly summer is upon us. But here we are! June 1st! We made it! Here is a playlist just for you.

I love the ritual of mixes, adding and taking away to fit the overall flow and feel. I love giving them to people like I’m passing notes in middle school. And of course, there are rules:

Never repeat artists.
Never put songs that say “I love you” if you haven’t said it in person.
Make a sweet album cover.
Always include The Walkmen.

[Click here]

Internet Happenings

Fri, 31 May 2013 12:05:00 -0700

Dear internet,

I wrote a lot of things for you today:

Ask Alison: This is a weekly dating advice column I write for The Atlantic, I’m so sorry about the name.

Nala, Disney Princess: This is a chat between my friend Taylor Orci and myself where we discuss the merchandising of Disney Princess and gender politics of lions. There’s also some stuff about hair care.

WITS with Colin Hanks: Lauren and I wrote a bunch of sketches and boops for tonight’s show. Keep your ears out for a Where’s Waldo intervention and some commercials from Doug Bagelson. Professional Friend. You can stream it LIVE starting at 8 PM CT.

This update finally did it.

Thu, 30 May 2013 11:33:48 -0700

I don’t think I know how to use tumblr anymore.

I haven’t been laid in what feels like the amount of time it...

Wed, 29 May 2013 21:38:00 -0700

I haven’t been laid in what feels like the amount of time it takes for that to become a problem. Like I can sense a gross mistake on the horizon. I often wonder if I just invested in one of those Autism hug machines, would that visceral need to just have someone on top of you could be more easily controlled. I’ve let it reach the point where it can’t be reasoned with. We function together in my body, my brain is allowed run of the house while my sexual id rattles around like a madwoman in the attic, a Jane Eyre reference I only understand because of Cliff’s Notes and a state college education.

It’s a dangerous state to listen to Mariah Carey’s new single, “#Beautiful” Featuring Miguel. Especially in an empty house with cheap wine readily available to me. I loved this song instantly, in that way you love something that fills an immediate need.

I got my first CD player the Christmas of ‘95 along with Mariah Carey’s Daydream, an album I played on repeat until those songs burned themselves into my personality. I choreographed dances in my bedroom to her; sometimes with friends, mostly alone. I’ve followed her in the passive way you do with pop stars you don’t really care about. Rooted her on when she dated Derek Jeter, ignored the remixes, LOVE her Christmas album, you get it. I’m kind of surprised that she made it out without a bigger meltdown, she seems like the type. But on the other hand, there is a vacancy in the eyes of her heavily photoshopped album covers that makes me question if she even has it in her.

Of her generation, I think she’s really only bested by Whitney.I wish she wouldn’t do her high notes so often- the ones that make you feel a needle pressing into the back of your eye. There is part of me that feels like if you have the ability to make that noise, you want to do it all the time, like a feat of strength.

Her usual sexy lady R&B singing voice is this specific anthem to an era of preteen suburban sexuality of toe rings and navel piercings that she fits so perfectly down to her butterfly tramp stamp. I’ve always loved when she sing whispers “yeah” in concurrence with a misogynistic Busta Rhymes or Master P lyric.

Her newer albums from the Nick-Cannon-twin-insemination-era are off my radar. She’s fighting with Nicki Minaj, right? Mariah thinks Nicki is ridiculous and Nicki thinks Mariah is old. They are separated by enough time that they can’t realize they’re the same creature. But really, it’s all hair extensions, noise and moving units, I don’t really see what the problem is.

This new track with Miguel has me trying to put away groceries while I dance around like I’m in my childhood bedroom. Her duets have always been her strong suit and she flits around Miguel with grace and ease. She sounds exactly the same as she always has, which she I assume she would contribute to her weird sleep habits. Really aside from the painful hashtag in the song title, the most obvious sign of an older star trying to stay relevant in social media, the song feels easy and good without trying. Mariah isn’t here to judge you, or the way you’re rubbing your body on the refrigerator, or how the last few nights you’ve woken yourself up humping your pillow. She just wants to do you and maybe put on a little more glitter eyeshadow.

[PREVIOUS - In The New Year]

I love you, ugly

Thu, 23 May 2013 14:01:37 -0700

I love you, ugly

On the issue of certain choices made in Star Trek Into Darkness

Wed, 22 May 2013 21:21:00 -0700

I was recently* made aware that a scene where Benedict Cumberbatch takes an angry shower was cut from the final movie. I feel that this was a mistake. I understand that in the development of a film, especially a blockbuster with the budget and fanbase of the Star Trek franchise, that many factors dictate the final result. But again, I can’t stress enough how much of a mistake this was.

I would like to use my personal tumblr that I am allowed to have for free on the internet for no reason to put forth my valid and very real arguments for why the ~~Khan~~ John Harrison shower scene should either 1) be added to a special edition and overnighted to my house, or 2) released on the internet immediately. My points are as follows:

Seeing ~~Khan~~ John Harrison naked would help me connect more with his character and his struggle. When we are first introduced to ~~Khan~~ John Harrison, he is a madman and a killer, without spoiling the movie for anyone who hasn’t seen it (and honestly why would you knowing this scene isn’t included), the lines between good and evil are blurred. ~~Khan~~ John Harrison is alone, vulnerable and without his own kind. Seeing him in a private moment would have helped clarify his motives and feelings.
Classic movies have nudity. The best ones, really. Blue Velvet? Critically acclaimed and full Rossellini. Good luck finding someone who will admit that movie doesn’t make any sense. No one yells “That’s not how cold fusion works!” at Lynch.
They did it in Starship Troopers. I know you want to be better than Starship Troopers, which was a big pile of garbage. But you know what? They were brave enough to show the human form so obviously it’s a better film. Right now, if you asked me what space movie I want to watch, I have to go with that one.
Benedict Cumberbatch. The man could cut diamonds with the angles on that face, do you understand me? Americans want to know whats up. We’ve only just met this guy and we need to know what his body looks like. Does he have extra bones? Is he a human-bird hybrid? What do his lips feel like?
355,489 views. I recently** watched this supercut of Benedict Cumberbatch’s sex scenes to date and I think that basically proves that the viewing public is kind of into it. I’m certainly into it and statistically speaking I can’t be the only one.

In summation, while I have already seen Star Trek three times in theaters, I refuse to give another dime of my money to a film that is too afraid to explore the human condition. JJ Abrams please feel free to contact me directly via email or fax.

*Like 20 minutes ago

**Like 10 minutes ago, then a second time like 2 minutes ago

Sometimes you find out a band is from Brooklyn and you’re...

Wed, 22 May 2013 00:27:39 -0700

Sometimes you find out a band is from Brooklyn and you’re like, okay they’re cool.

Oklahoma Tornado Survivor Finds Dog Alive Under Rubble Brace...

Tue, 21 May 2013 06:23:00 -0700

Oklahoma Tornado Survivor Finds Dog Alive Under Rubble

Brace yourself for tears before you watch this and [here] is a list of ways you can help Oklahoma tornado victims.