A few days ago, I received an email unparalleled in its equal parts vitriol and crazy.
Here it is:
please leave our husbands and boyfriends alone you bug eyed bitch
stop inviting them to your bullshit parties
stop flirting with them on facebook there are other ways to suck up to celebrities or fuck your way onto the writing staff of a show you pathetic social climbing piece of shit
it’s not our fault your own family can’t stand to be around you
we’re onto you
we see what you’re doing
we know exactly what you are
we have your number
close your fucking legs
by the way you have the ugliest thumbs we have ever soon on a human being
happy new year whore
Now, I’m fairly certain that the healthy and mature thing for me to do in this situation would be for me to shake my head, delete this and be done with it. But for the most part, I feel like those adjectives are rarely used to describe me.
The first thing this made me think of was one of my favorite books as a kid, Loveable Lyle. It’s part of the Lyle The Crocodile series and one day, Lyle gets an anonymous letter from someone saying he has an enemy. You get it, I don’t have to beat you over the head with the parallels.
Since this was sent from a weird email, I couldn’t respond, and I would like to do that here. Now, I struggled with the idea of answering this earnestly versus answering this sarcastically. Quite frankly, I don’t know why I have to choose. So I will do both.
I am so sorry. Not for my actions, for even though I don’t know who you are or who you are talking about specifically, I am fairly certain that I am not trying to sleep with them. Because I’m not really trying to sleep with anybody. But I am sorry that you feel this way. I’m sorry that you are hurting.
I was in a two year relationship with a guy who cheated on me often and clumsily. You’d think he would get better at it with time but I constantly caught him. I’m assuming that since you have my personal email address and are checking Facebook posts you are probably incorporating some of my old tactics, which included hacking into email and checking his phone. I was so good at it too. Because I am smart and he was (and assuming still is) an idiot.
In my sad broken mind, this was all perfectly acceptable behavior. Because I loved this him. To this day I honestly can’t answer if I was really in love with HIM, or the fact that he didn’t love me back. I thought of every other woman in his life, even women who he wasn’t trying to sleep with (a small number), as The Enemy. I felt that they were keeping us from being happy and that if I could just keep him away from other women that he would turn into the boyfriend I wanted and deserved. I do not recognize this person anymore.
It is so tragic that we still live in a world were women’s biggest enemy is women. We should support each other, be proud of each other and comfort each other when things like this happen.
That’s the problem with unhealthy, destructive relationships: they make you sick. Slowly at first and then you’re so far into it that you don’t know what’s normal. We would have screaming fights constantly, where I would accuse him of something and he would deny it and then we would sort of make up with each other but not really. I hated him so much and I hated myself for being so weak.
I have to say, your email sounds like something I would’ve sent if I’d had a little bit more time for the crazy— I shouldn’t say that. The fear and irrational thought to set in. If you’re worried that someone (me or otherwise) is trying to steal your significant other away, you should sit down and talk to him about it. If you don’t feel like you can do that; if you have to send threatening emails to women he knows instead of TALKING TO HIM, please know that you are not in a relationship. You are in a hostage situation.
You do not deserve that. You deserve to be treated with respect. You deserve to be happy with your relationships and yourself. We all deserve that. Including me, who did not deserve this email.
I am trying to fuck your boyfriend.
When I’m not trying to fuck your boyfriend, I thinking about fucking your boyfriend. Or hatching plans to steal him away from you. He has no say in this and cannot think for himself!
There are several phases, and since you were clever enough to catch me at my sinister game, I will lay out my plan.
- PHASE ONE: Become Facebook friends exclusively with men in relationships.
- PHASE TWO: Post pictures of puppies on their wall.
- PHASE THREE: Suck the sheen right off their dicks.
You’re lucky you caught me when you did. Because I was about to send them a Facebook invite to a bullshit party. The guest list? Me and one hundred spoken-for cocks.
I like to keep my home-wrecking located on one social media site and I’ve got to tell you, Facebook is knocking it out of the park for me. Pokes? Come on, do you know how many men have left their beautiful model wives to take my sweatpants off and fuck me? All of them.
I was about two-thirds of the way through this email that I can only assume was sent from a Shakespearean coven of cunts, unimpressed until you made three valid points that made me realize that I should back off:
- Reminding me that I can, in fact, close my legs. Honestly? Sometimes I forget. I like to start a line at the doorway to my bedroom and just sort of file ‘em in. It’s the easiest way to satiate my unreasonable need to be the biggest whore in the world. Ass I type this, I’m getting triple DP’ed and I apologize for any typos. Your man says hi by the way (Don’t worry, I’m only blowing him).
- Bringing up my ugly thumbs. Bitch, that shit cuts to the quick (pun intended ;-) Believe me when I tell you that they started out normal, but through the years of constant hand jobs and weird butt stuff they have gotten quite chapped and torn. Doesn’t keep the fellas away though!
- You did say “please.”
So fine, I will stay away from all of your men, although admit it: this is only one person. There is no way that you have friends. And certainly not female friends. It’s okay, I don’t either BECAUSE I FUCKED ALL OF THEIR BOYFRIENDS!
Thank you for wishing me a happy new year!