Hi.

Hello there, holiday warriors! Christmas is upon us, and there is very little time to get the perfect gift for that special someone in your life. Never fear! I have been listening to a lot of commercials on the radio and I am here to help with my Ultimate Last Minute Gift Guide!

SUBJECT: Your Mom

Come on, it’s mom. She’s been there for you her whole life, and even though she tells you every year that she doesn’t need anything, you know that’s not true. But you can’t stand the idea of another year of digital picture frames or cooking utensils. This is the year to take your gift-giving to the max!

ULTIMATE GIFT: 2012 Nisasan Cube

The Nissan Cube is the ultimate car for moms. “It’s funky! Just something a little different!” If there’s one thing we know about moms, it’s that they like things that are a little different, like PF Changs. And hey, a car? She’s gonna love it.

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SUBJECT: Your Pesky Kid Sister/Brother Who’s All Grown Up

They used to be SO ANNOYING but lately? You’re starting to feel like maybe there’s more to them than you gave them credit for. There was that knowing look at Thanksgiving when you watched your dad fall asleep in front of the TV or when you looked through old photo albums and realized they weren’t trying to copy you, they were trying to be like you.

ULTIMATE GIFT: 2012 Toyota Tacoma

With its fiber-reinforced Sheet-Molded Composite (SMC) inner bed and storage compartments, your siblings constant moves from place to place can be done with ease. Believe me when I tell you that nothing says, “I’m doing better than you financially,” than buying them a truck. Even if they put up a fuss, they’re gonna take it. They’ll swallow those decades of resentment and take those keys because hey, it’s a truck.

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SUBJECT: Your spouse

Sure, things have been… different. Like you two used to be running in a meadow with birds and deer and lately it’s more like you two are on an ice floe that is slowly breaking apart and even though you keep trying to jump over they’re just like, “I just need to be alone on my own floe for a while.” But it’s probably just stress from work or your imagination.

ULTIMATE GIFT: 2013 Porsche Cayenne

It’s elegant and very expensive and nothing says “I still love you” quite like expensive. Imagine if YOU were getting a $60,000 SUV tomorrow. You’d be like, “Oh shit, this person LOVES me.” No question. The Cayenne seats six so maybe they’ll stop avoiding the kids question. Hey,it’s a luxury SUV. They’re not going anywhere.

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SUBJECT: The family dog

Good ol’ Spot. He’s been there with you every Christmas watching you and your family hastily opening all your non-car presents. Watching each and  every one of you swallow your disappointment after another Kia Sonata-less Christmas. He just watches and loves. He loves you so fucking much, man. And we could argue over whether his undying affection is just a manipulative evolutionary trait that has allowed his species to thrive but honestly, I’d rather not. I have a lot of cars to buy for MY family, you know?

ULTIMATE GIFT: 2012 Smart Car

“You’ve doomed this family to financial ruin!” Everyone will scream. But you know they all love the idea of ol’ Spot cruising around town in his sweet new ride. And hey, with almost fifty miles to the gallon, he can cruise for quite some time.

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So there you have it folks! A quick easy gift guide for under $200,000! Merry Christmas and I’ll see YOU at the dealership!