You’re having one of those nights where you feel like everything could just blow away, you know? Like your life isn’t anything more than this flimsy, cheap thing, unconnected and unimportant and it feels terrifying and awful. Maybe if this had been a different night, or a different jumbled arrangement of circumstances, you would be more equipped to handle this feeling but tonight you just can’t. You don’t know why, but you’re pretty sure there is a certain, specific person that can make this feeling go away.and you know where this person is. So you go.
Because why wouldn’t you? Your life is in a weird state of angst, you should go.
On the way, you can feel your sadness being replaced with nerves, like when food coloring gets dropped into water in commercials for laundry detergent. You imagine seeing them and feeling that instant pull towards someone you used to be so connected to. You think about how you’ll say you’re sorry. Sorry you screwed it up. Sorry for everything from who you are at you are very core to how sorry you are for showing up because you just couldn’t help it. Because you are just so so so tired of feeling how you do and wouldn’t it just be wonderful if you didn’t have to anymore? Sorry you hate them for having such a hold on you. You tell them about all the memories you drove by on the way there tonight. All the ghosts you are constantly brushing past. Everything is so stupid and it shouldn’t be. In your mind you try to make them smile at you, like they understand. Like they’re on your side again. But you can’t make them do it, not even in your imagination.
Because why would they?
And you drive home instead. And you know it was the right choice. And you know that one day everything won’t feel so exhausting, and you won’t think of your past as a hideaway from your present. And your bones won’t worry and your smiles won’t lie and you won’t wonder why everyone is so much better at being a person than you. But not tonight.