January 2012
16 posts
A Quick Guide To Doing Whip-Its Without Having a... →
[…] unlike Demi, you will not be using whip-its in the secret, velvet-walled basement of Tao or wherever. You will be in a parking lot. Or behind a dumpster. Or in your apartment sitting in a baby pool surrounded by fingernail clippings and stacks of old newspapers and your typed “manuscript.” But that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it all the same. Just make sure that...
esjesj asked: If you follow me on Twitter, I will MARRRRRRRRRY YOU.... twitterDOTcomSLASHesjesj ~ either way, you're the funniest woman alive
My piece about getting dumped is on This Recording →
Finally, I’ve become cool!
Animals doing people things
Dave: important life update: just forced a dog to hug a cat.
Dave: it was everything i hoped it would be
me: How did it happen?
me: Tell me everything.
Dave: I picked the dog up so it was standing on its hind legs and my roommate did the same with the cat and we said "ready, HUG"
Dave: and we made them bow
Dave: and then we brought them toward each other and made them hug like people
me: God. It sounds perfect. Just perfect.
Dave: the only thing that would make it more perfect
Dave: if they hugged consensually.
2 tags
Top 5 Potential Quarter-Life Crises
1. Move to an artists’ loft in San Francisco. Share a space with five other late 20-somethings, all with adverbs for names. Write one-act anthropomorphic tragedies about a family of rabbits. Blatantly steal from Shakespeare’s later work. “Anthony and Cadbury” will be met with mixed reviews at Berkeley’s community theater.
2. Open a vegan bakery. Name it something vaguely sexual, “Sugar...
1 tag
The art of getting really dumped
So, a good while back, I got really, really dumped. In part because I didn’t see it coming, but mostly because he did it by stopping by my apartment with an iced coffee and saying “I think I need to wrap this up.” The tough thing about writing about this is that I’m going to make the guy look bad. Cold and insensitive and manipulative, and that isn’t fair. We’re all just people. We’re all just...
1 tag
WIGS
Me: JORDAN DO YOU HAVE ANY WIGS? I NEED A BOY WIG.
Jordan: NO I THREW THEM ALL OUT WHEN MY CAT PEED IN THE COSTUME BOX!!!!
“Ask the Siri, the new iPhone 4 assistant, where to get an abortion, and, if you...”
–
10 things the iPhone Siri will help you get instead of an abortion | The Raw Story (via interweber)
um, not ok.
(via meredithbklyn)
Gross, Apple.
(via how-to-kiss-distinctly-american)
Way to support your sisters, Siri.
(via tumblrwright)
Hey, maybe don’t loudly yell into your phone...
December 2011
40 posts
2 tags
The Decemberists - Angel Won’t You Call Me?
Chris Kelly: 2011 In Review: My Fake Favorites In... →
Super into Thistle right now.
I had a dream that I owned a Sperm whale. He lived in two Olympic pools and when he got bored of one, he’d jump to the other. For my birthday he got me a water polo ball.
WatchWe R bored.
Matt quotes
I keep a list of the weird things my boyfriend says to me. It’s a living document, exactly like the Constitution.
1. You suck at duckface.
2. I’m so public on Facebook. Well, actually I’m super private.
3. I can never tell if truffles add anything.
4. Did you get any cool emails this morning?
My Impression Of American Horror Story
theidiotking:
A CHARACTER WALKS AROUND THE HAUNTED MURDER GHOST HOUSE
CHARACTER: Oh hey, scuse me guys? I don’t mean to be a bother, but we’ve got some ghosts over here… MURDER GHOSTS. You see, those ghosts were murdered, and now those ghosts murdered some other ghosts. And I KNOW that sounds like the end, but there’s MORE. See… there are some people that were here earlier, do you remember?...
WatchChipmunk Christmas Song
From a couple of beautiful weirdos. If you like this, you’ll like [this]. And if you don’t, we probably aren’t friends.
Official: Chris Meloni Joins 'True Blood' as... →
BONERTOWN
2 tags
“Derek has girls stay with him at his apartment in New York, and then he gets...”
– New York Post story about Derek Jeter being gross
Greg
Matt: Greg is just sitting in the nook looking at his phone
me: Is that the guy you hate?
Matt: Yeah. Don't be thrown off by his niceness today. He's mean
me: But he seems like such a nice hip nerd!
Matt: Wrong
me: He's got those lil' glasses
Matt: Glasses made of lies
me: Agree to disagree. I think he's a sweet cuddlemonster.
Matt: Fine.
me: Shh, I'm thinking about Greg. Oh, Greg! Greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeg
Matt: Stop it.
me: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreg.
me: Matt
me: Matt
me: Matt
me: Matt
Matt: Alison
me: Quick question
Matt: Ok
me: What do you think Greg is doing RIGHT now?
Matt: Being a jerk
me: I bet he's rescuing a kitten
Matt: No. He hates kittens
me: He’s so nice. I love Greg.
Matt: No. You don't know what you're saying.
me: I bet he gives great hugs. Just like really tight, but not too squeezy
Matt: Wrong. He's never hugged anyone.
me: Ooo, that makes him interesting.
me: Greg is so interesting
Matt: No!!
me: I think I'm in love with him.
Matt: He probably wants to kill puppies.
me: Greg would NEVER.
me: Matt
me: MATT
Matt: falsjdifjalijsd
me: MATT
me: This is a serious question
Matt: Liar
me: MATT
me: MATT DO YOU THINK GREG CRIES IN SAD MOVIES
Matt: No he laughs.
Matt: Because he's a sicko
me: I wonder what our babies will look like.
[Matt is offline. Messages you send will be delivered when Matt comes online.]
“I’m in, but only if it’s a complicated domestic partnership OR an...”
– My friend Megan, on our burgeoning Facebook relationship status
Top Fifteen
Farley: Honestly, being tall and funny enough has gotten me most anything in my life.
Me: Name 15 things.
Farley:
Girls to date me.
Girls to hook up with me.
People think I’m OK at basketball.
Points with old ladies when I help them take down groceries from high shelves.
People don’t want to fight me.
I come across as a dependable friend.
I make great jokes when trying...
“If you don’t get any work done because you’re watching puppy videos;...”
– Matt Ingebretson, World-class grumpus
Sketch Cram - Saturday December 10 @ Midnight →
Once a month, we cram together UCB’s top writers, performers, and students to craft an all-new sketch comedy show from scratch. See your favorite performers from hit UCB shows like ASSSSCAT, Facebookand Harold Night, whose credits include The Onion, Conan, Reno 911 and more! Sketch Cram – all the comedy you can cram into a single show. Featuring 100% new content every month! Directed by Tim...