I’m starting to get old. Not in a way where I’m really ready to take a hard look at my life and really make some positive changes, but in the way that I’m unwilling to go see every garbage blockbuster at midnight. I get too sleepy and for the most part the ratio of inevitable disappointment to exhaustion isn’t worth it to me anymore. 

I made an exception for Star Trek because I loved the last one so goddamn much. I left the theater thrilled and after rewatching it yesterday, I still think it’s the perfect formula of fun action blockbuster to heart. Plus it’s just fucking beautiful (Daniel Mindel is a genius).

The movie opens with Kirk and Bones running for their lives from natives on a red flower planet out of an old Desperate Housewives promo. Spock get stuck in a volcano but in a fun way and  The Enterprise has a textbook archetypal rebirth. Opening credits and we’re off!  Man, this is gonna be great. Kirk is gonna punch Lizard people and maybe have sex with a like a uh… like a bird lady who is also evil?

We are taken to Starfleet Academy and Kirk excitedly talking about how their probably about to get assigned a deep space mission, YES! Here we go! Space babes! Cool monsters! Banter! But no, it’s just a disciplinary meeting (real action movie sweet stuff) Kirk getting his ship taken away from him AGAIN. AGAIN! Stop taking the Enterprise away from New Kirk! 

Don’t worry, he gets it back pretty quickly and is sent to kill our bad guy, Khan/Benedict Cumberbatch/Distracting Face Guy. Listen, I don’t know anything about acting, but I feel like Cumberbatch shouldn’t be squishing his handsome face into such crazy contortions. I don’t know how to explain it, but he’s channeling Mr. Bill in a very real way. He’s a great bad guy, don’t get me wrong. He’s got that voice where you’d be soothed even as he slides along your skin, not yet breaking it.

Anyway, he’s mad for some reason but does surrender to Kirk. They get him onboard and then some more stuff happens that is a little hazy as to why it happens.

I loved that they put the new movies into an alternate universe, where they would be free to do anything they wanted with the characters, as we see with Spock and Uhura being straight up BF and GF (although you can see her with the Captain if you want to use your imagination). So, with all of that freedom, I’m confused as to why they chose to basically remake Wrath of Khan in the second instalment. 

It’s just so much plot and exposition and not enough rough Iowa fist fights or one-liners. It just wasn’t fun and there are a few plot points that I am confused on, but not interested enough to investigate further. I don’t mind a complicated story, but this felt more sloppy than involved. Without ruining anything, at the climax of the movie, the safety of all the souls aboard the Enterprise rely on Kirk kicking a thing back into place.

SIDE NOTE - If a ship that is dead in the air but can be saved if you kick a thing back into place, and that thing is hard to get to and dangerous; you have a design flaw.

Also? There is such blatant Spock favoritism in this franchise. As I was walking into the theater, I saw a poster for the new Superman movie where The Man Of Steel looks all moody and conflicted and dumb. I understand and appreciate the added depth of characters that may have been one-dimensional and I totally get that there is more to mine from Spock (half-vulcan, half-human; unsure what world to belong to? Come on, it could be a whole series of young adult novels) but goddamnit, it’s Captain Kirk. He is the driving force behind every action in the movie and YET for the second time, it’s been the Spock Show. Kirk saves the day and no one gives a shit because oh look at Spock, he’s Vulcan Death Gripping a guy and feeling a feeling. But Kirk is so great, you know? Big and clumsy and full of hubris but with a strong moral compass. Chris Pine is so beautiful and kind of funny and please god, just touch my face with the back of your hand and tell me that you love me.

SIDE NOTE - It takes away from Spock’s credibility when he calls up his future self for advice. Figure it out and let Leonard Nimoy be mind-numbingly old in peace.

I want to see a Kirk love interest. Hell, I want a Kirk sex scene. In Into The Darkness, we see him getting out of bed with two twin cat ladies, but no action. Give me Pine side butt at least. I would also like to aggressively make out with Chris Pine against a wall.

The movie is still much more than passable. I will rewatch and probably enjoy it more the second go-round with more appropriate expectations and I absolutely am looking forward to the next one. But let’s make with the fun popcorn parts. It’s Star Trek. 

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